Things I Love

Since you all put up with my grumpy mcshlumpypants yesterday, I figured I should do something a bit more cheerful today. Don’t expect too much, mushy isn’t really my thing.

Also, don’t expect me to go on and on about the children, the husband, or the stupid dog. Obviously I love them. If I didn’t I would have blown this joint a long time ago.

Jimmy Buffett – I love Jimmy Buffett. His music makes me happy, especially now that I live in the tundra. It makes me feel warm even when I haven’t seen the sun in days. I knew I was in love with Dallas when I found out he was an even bigger fan than me. My all time favorite Buffet song is One Particular Harbor Dal’s is Cowboy In The Jungle. However, that song Knee Deep by the Zac Brown Band with Jimmy Buffett brings joy to my soul. I mean that, seriously.

Reese’s fashion  – You don’t hear much about Reese on this blog. He’s a sweet little kid who is often overshadowed by his wild twin. (He just brought me my water bottle, for no reason at all.) He’s also the first kid to put on a costume, hat, or big shoes. He spends half of his life in mine or Dallas’ shoes. It’s cute. Today I told him to put on a pair of socks and shoes to go to the dog park. While we are walking I took this shot of the ones he chose.

I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!

Kid language – Reese and Jackson refer to Cars as “Lightening The Queen.” They also refer to their Daddy as “Dawas.” Taryn told me the other day that she likes to eat “cosmotolitan” ice cream. They’re so stupid, I love it.

Wine – Obviously.

The Olympics – I’m not really a sports fan. I could go the rest of my life without ever watching another football game and it wouldn’t bother me one bit. But, come Olympics time and I’ll sit in front of the TV all day and all night to watch everything from Gymnastics to the Modern Pentathlon. John inherited my love for the games, we bond over it every two years.

PB & J – I could eat one every day. I think I did when I was pregnant with the twinkies. It’s the perfect food. Creamy peanut butter and any kind of jam. Except grape, don’t be gross.

Now it’s your turn. What do you love so much you should marry it?

Things I Hate

Not things about you, although I’m sure if I really thought about it I’d find some.

Free Time – When you have a thousand children you never really have free time. I skipped church this morning because Dallas was helping out with the children’s program. We all know I didn’t want to get roped into that business. He and the kids left at about 10:15 and did not return until around 2. If I was smart I would have poured some wine and laid on the couch. I’m stupid. Instead, I sat on the couch for less than half an hour to watch the DVR’d season premier of Louie on FX. (If you haven’t watched it, you should.) After that I wiped down all the counters and tabletops. Cleaned the bathroom. Wiped down all the glass surfaces (including the big mirror on the stairs, that should really never get dirty) and swept and mopped the floors. Dealt with the cable guy who came to check the line. Went to the PX and the Commissary. Baked a batch of cookies, from scratch.

Yesterday Dal stayed home with the boys while I took John out for the afternoon. He made lunch for the twinkies before I left and then laid on the couch. When I came home 4 hours later, I found this:

I’m not upset about the mess. He cleaned it up. (God knows I wasn’t going to) I’m upset that he can sit on the couch all day and I can’t. Even when I really want to.

Taking my kids out in public – I took the twinkies to my friend Christin’s daughters’ birthday party today. She’s the cutest little pumpkin ever (the birthday girl, not Christin). The other children acted normal, they played in the water table and had fun. Jackson poured a cup of water on Reese’s head. He refused to eat anything other than cupcakes. Instead of saying thank you he said, “THANKS HOT DOG!” It took me 25 minutes to leave.

Stupid husband tricks – We have 2 cars, 4 bicycles, and live within walking distance of anything you could possibly need. So of course, on my way home from the birthday party my husband texted and asked me to get him cash. I only know of one ATM near our house that is not in a store. It is not drive thru, so I had to park and leave the twinkies in the car to go in and get cash. The doors were locked to the ATM vestibule. I spent the next 15 minutes cursing Dal for not going to get the cash himself. You know, since he didn’t have 2, four-year-olds with him. He does this all the time with mailing stuff or dropping crap off. It makes me completely insane.

Running – I’m still running. I still hate it. The only reason I continue is because I think my body is changing, less cottage cheese. I haven’t lost a pound. That might have something to do with the nachos I just ate. Whatever.

What do you hate today?

Saturday Photos

It was a busy week in our household. On Tuesday we got to see Dallas jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Usually we do not get to hang out on the drop zone, this was a special family jump. It would have been more special if we had gotten to jump too but the Army has some silly rules agains that sort of thing.

Instead we saw this.

Dallas is in there somewhere. See if you can pick him out.

I couldn’t either, but it was still fun to watch.

The aircraft made another pass that was almost too close for comfort, but the twinkies loved it.

It was an excellent day.

Today I got to go on a date with one of my favorite guys, John.

We had lunch at a little sandwich place near a soccer store because he wanted some new shoes. If you don’t know about our soccer experiences, you can read all about them here.

On the way in I saw this bumper sticker.

No, I did not see Sarah Palin, but this may have been her car.

Unfortunately the soccer shop was no longer in business. This was ok with John because he hates shopping. Instead, we Googled the shoes and ordered them over lunch. I love the internet. John loves not having to actually go shopping and, “talk to salesmen and stuff.”

I had a reuben, because I always have the reuben. As a reuben connoisseur I have to say that Marty’s New York Bagel Deli in Anchorage makes one that is in my top 5.

After lunch and “shopping” I took John to see Cars 2. By Cars I mean Hangover. Don’t judge, Dallas had already let him see the first one, so what difference does it make?

 

Johnisms For Today

Before there was a ‘Twinisms,’ there were ‘Johnisms.’ John is hysterical, sometimes he is trying to be funny. Other times, it just happens.

For your enjoyment…

I spent the day at the park on post. There were some troops having a picnic and playing loud music. I told Dallas they played Pour Some Sugar On Me.

John said, “Wait, what…oh I thought someone actually poured sugar on you. That’d be weird.”

Yes, John it would be very, very weird.

Later, I said I needed to dust because the birds were looking grungy.

These birds..

I stole the phrase, ‘judgmental birds’ from my friend Heather. That’s what I said tonight, “I need to dust the judgmental birds.”

John said, “They look kind of cocky to me.”

I love him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guilt

It happened. I’ve become one of those people who actually cares about the stupid dog. I do. I care. I can’t believe that we let her get sick. The results of her urinalysis came back today with too many bacteria to count and painful crystals.

I suck at life.

I knew she was sick. I knew she was peeing every thirty seconds. I knew that she was putting off a scent at the dog park. The male dogs were all over her.

I tried to convince myself it was because she is such a pretty girl.

I mean really, who wouldn’t love that face?

Maybe it was the aggressive beavers. She’s not much of a swimmer, but she’ll get into the lake at the dog park for a drink. Those beavers are nasty, disgusting animals. I bet the lake is diseased.

Either that or I’m the worst dog parent ever.

Not possible. Not the worst. I’ve seen Animal Cops.

I’m becoming one of those stupid people who will spend piles of money on the stupid dog. I’m already jammed up that the vet only gave me a week’s worth of pain meds for her. I have to call first thing in the morning.

She’s going to gain 10 pounds because I’m comforting her with food. It works for me, so I figure it will comfort her too.

I’ve lost my mind.

Stupid dog.

WTF? Wednesday

This Wednesday I’m having to choose between two Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? moments. It’s going to be a tough call.

Our first WTF? moment is brought to us by my Jackson. Lately, when he talks back to me he ends his sentence with, “how about that?”

For example:

“Oh yeah, well, I’m not going to wear my pants. How about that?”

“Well, then I’m going to punch Reese. How about that?

Or my favorite…

“Fine, then I’m not going to love you anymore. How about that?”

Seriously, WTF? He’s four. What is he going to say when he’s 14?

Or other contender is the stupid dog. This morning while on our Wednesday run she peed…blood. She peed an incredibly large amount of blood. We were only about a 1.5 miles in when she stopped and squatted on the asphalt trail and peed. (she never does that) When I looked and saw the huge puddle of blood I almost passed out. Imagine pouring a gallon of that V8 Fusion crap on the asphalt. That’s what it looked like.

WTF dog?

And seriously, what kind of dog owner thinks for at least three weeks that the stupid dog is peeing too often and might have a UTI but does not bother to make her an appointment? I suck at life.

Thanks for not pulling that crap on the weekend dog. Bravo.

My “friend” Christin was running with me, she’s  38 weeks pregnant. She said that anyone who saw us and then saw that puddle probably thought she had given birth on the trail. Either that or I’d finally had it with her skinny, mean, pregnant self making me look like a loser for not being able to keep up and cut her. I will cut a broad. Just not while she’s pregnant.

For the win I’m going with the stupid dog. Only because she made me realize that she does not completely suck and I would be sad if something happened to her. I have emotions. How about that?

Tantalizing Tuesday

Tantalizing Tuesday? Dinner With Twins? I need a new name for this segment. Thoughts? Ideas? Comments?

Tonight’s dinner is brought to you by the letters D & J, for Dallas and John.

That’s my husband, Elmer Fudd, and my son, the unibomber.

Salmon W/sun-dried Tomato Marinade, Rice Pilaf, and Grilled Romaine

Ingredients

2 Filets of Salmon

1 Bottle of Lawry’s Sun Dried Tomato Marinade

2 Boxes of Rice-A-Roni Rice Pilaf, cooked according to package directions

2 Heads of Romaine Lettuce

Grated Parmesan

Garlic Powder

Olive Oil

Salt & Pepper

The bottle says to marinate the salmon for half an hour. I did it for about an hour and a half. Dallas is not a big fan of fish, so I was trying to get it to taste more like sun-dried tomato and less like salmon. It still did not permeate to deeply into the fish, but it was good.

Don’t ask why he went salmon fishing if he doesn’t like fish. He’s an idiot.

The first step is to start cooking the rice. It takes about 20 minutes. I know it’s a shortcut, when I have time to learn how to make rice pilaf from scratch I’ll let you know. Don’t hold your breath.

Next, prepare the romaine. You will want to keep the head intact, so rinse it and then lay it in a strainer with the open part down for a few minutes. Don’t worry if there is still a little dirt near the root, you won’t eat that part anyway. Then cut it in half so that the root part continues to hold it together.

Using a paper towel, dry out any remaining liquid. Drizzle both sides with olive oil and season with garlic powder, kosher salt, and pepper. I like a lot. It’s totally up to you, just make sure you use a lot when you have me over for dinner.

Depending on the size of your filets it will take a little more than 15 minutes to cook the salmon on the grill. You could also broil it.

When you think the salmon is less than 10 minutes from being finished you will want to throw the romaine on the grill. It’s just like grilling anything else, don’t freak out.

Once it is nicely charred, flip it over and grill the other side.

It’s really good, trust me.

When it is finished chop off the stem and pull out the yellow leaves. Unless you like the yellow leaves, just don’t tell me about it because it’s disgusting.

The batch of romaine that I had on the top rack did not cook as well as I would have liked. The upside is that even if it doesn’t cook it still tastes great. The sun-dried tomato marinade was good and very easy. It made a mess on the grill though, so use foil.

I’m really serious about renaming this post, so shoot me some ideas. Also, if you have a recipe you’d like me to try send it my way.

 

Bad Mommy

Jackson dropped the F-bomb today. I am 100% certain I did not misunderstand him. I wish I could say that he learned it from his father, but that’s only partially true. I could tell you that I try not to curse much, but that would also be only partially true.

The truth is, I think about cursing less. I censor myself in front of most people. But, I curse. A lot.

Apparently within earshot of the 4-year-olds. Excellent.

I could also tell you that other than the occasional curse word, I was an excellent mom today. But, it would not be true. I should have known it was going to be a bad day when my alarm went off at 5:30 and I turned it off and went back to sleep.

For two more hours.

The plan was to get up at 5:30 so Taryn and I could go on a long bike ride before the twinkies woke up. That way John would only have to make sure the house did not burn down, instead of doing actual childcare.

Instead I got up at 7:30, got dressed, and woke Taryn and John. The twinkies woke up before Taryn and I left, which made me feel guilty for messing up the original plan. So, I poured their cereal, laid out a blanket in the living room, and turned on Cars. I told them they were having a “BREAKFAST INDOOR PICNIC!!” They were very excited. I’m pretty sure John slept on the couch the whole time we were gone.

Whatever.

After the bike ride I took the twinkies to the indoor playground. Because they needed to burn some energy and it was cold and damp stupid Alaska summer day. On the way home Taryn and I planned to stop at the grocery store and Costco.

Reese had other ideas.

Before leaving we made a potty break. He peed all over his pants. I think he did it on purpose. I could have driven home and gotten him a clean pair of pants. I could have skipped the shopping. I did neither of those things. I soaked up as much of the pee as I could with the bathroom paper towels and drove on.

I forgot all about the pee until Reese climbed on Dallas’ lap at dinner. Woops.

At the grocery store Reese stole a piece of candy. You know those big, stupid bins of bulk candy? I hate those. Anyway, he stole a Werther’s. I didn’t realize it until we were half way to Costco. Actually, I did not realize at all, Taryn did. She’s a way better parent than I am.

I should have turned the car around and made him take the wrapper back and apologize, like any good sitcom mom. I did not. I scolded him and drove on. (A Werther’s? Yuck. At least he could have stolen a good candy.)

Then Jackson said the F-word. I scolded him. He looked at me like he wanted to kill me. Seriously, what business do I have yelling at him when I probably said the word 3 times today? (By 3 I mean 30)

Later, when the stupid dog barked to come in, Jackson said, “Oh man, you freaking dog!”

At least he said freaking. He’s learning not to copy verbatim. Maybe I’m not such a bad mommy after all…

I Don’t Like Kids

Don’t tell anyone. It’s my little secret. But I don’t, not really anyway. I try to keep it to myself because I think most people assume that since I have a herd of children I must love them. I do love MY children, but in general I don’t like children. I’d say I like my children a solid 70% of the time. Most of that is while they’re sleeping.

Admitting this probably makes me look like a bad mom. (that and all the wine bottles in the recycle bin.) But, today at church I found another mom who doesn’t like kids either.

It was the most spiritual moment I think I have ever had at church.

Both of our husbands volunteered to help out with the children’s religious exploration program this summer. At one point or another they each thought they would not be there for their assigned days and we were going to have to fill in.

Seriously, I can’t think of anything worse than working down in the children’s area.

It’s so loud.

And germy.

And filled with children.

Ick.

Dallas wanted me to volunteer with him. I told him no, I don’t like kids. I think he loves me a little less because of it, but I don’t care. One of the other women at church told me my name came up as a potential RE teacher and they all just laughed. Maybe I’m not as good at hiding my true feelings as I think I am.

I like babies. Before they can walk or talk much. When all they want to do is sleep or look up at you like you’re the sun, moon, and stars. That’s awesome. Then they start asking for things and breaking stuff and I fall out of love pretty quickly.

Older kids don’t bother me. Right about 7th grade my kids started being fun. They can handle sarcasm and give it right back. They learned well, like good Jedi Knights.

For the most part I like my friends children. I’ll babysit, just not everyday. I don’t like them that much. The cooler the friend, the more likely it is I’m going to like their children. As soon as you start irritating me, your kids will too. Just a heads up.

I also hate, and I mean really hate, talking to children on the phone. I can’t understand anything kids say over the phone. Most of the time I can’t understand what adults are saying over the phone. I hate the phone. If you call me, odds are I’m not paying attention after the first 15 minutes. Just text me, so I can answer when I feel like it. Thanks.

But don’t give your kids my cell number. I only text my own children. Texting other children would be creepy.

I know that I am guilty of making people talk to my children on the phone. It sucks. I’m sorry. I won’t ever do it again. Except to my mother. I like to put Reese or Jackson on the phone with her and let them just walk away. Jackson could talk for hours. It’s hysterical. I’ll shoot a video next time and you’ll see. No wait, I hate watching videos of kids too.

Nevermind.

I’m glad I got that off my chest. Please tell me some of you feel the same way so I don’t feel like such a jerk.

Saturday Photos

June 14th was the Army’s 236th birthday. Happy Birthday Army! Thanks for giving me a reason to get all dressed up.

That guy in the hat is pretty handsome isn’t he? But, that’s not why I love him.

Nope, it’s because he kept me stocked with drinks…

didn’t care that I spent most of the night with these ladies instead of him…

did the Electric Slide…

acted like a fool…

and then passed out on the way home.

Luckily I wasn’t the only one…

HOOAH!!!