How About That?

Hey friends! I’m posting early today because we’re working on a big announcement for tomorrow! I can’t wait to share with you guys the next big step for my little blog that could. How about that?!

I’m flying solo today because Taryn is still on her North American tour and John & Dallas are hiking out to a glacier. Pics of these adventures will be posted later.

Usually, when it is just me and the twinkies I skip church. I’m lazy. However, this morning they were so worked up that I decided church, and the accompanying hour of childcare/fun with other kids would be perfect. It would have helped if I had known there was no childcare today. Frick.

It wasn’t all bad. One of their little friends had his croquet game set up in the lawn. (Did I mention I go to a little hippie church? Yeah, it’s awesome.) We did that for a while. Then I thought I could actually catch some of the service so we went in to the “cry room.” This was clearly the dumbest thing I have ever done. (And I’ve done a lot of dumb things.) Even with the speaker volume turned all the way up (thanks to another parent-I was too stupid to do that) I could not hear one word. I did however get to watch the kids build towers and roads out of blocks and then knock them down. And then get upset over the destruction. Not too smart if you asked me.

I watched Jackson have a near-meltdown when “the baby took Lightening The Queen.” Once he got Lightening back he put him in his back pocket. So no dumb baby could steal it. Babies are like that, jerks.

On the way home I decided to be mother of the year and get them McDonald’s for lunch. Don’t judge, if my family can leave me home with the twinkies while they have fun adventures, I at least deserve a vacation from cooking. Also, they were completely starved.

Jackson actually grabbed my face, turned it toward his and said, “I’m STARVING MOMMY. And I’m hot (it’s 63 degrees). I want to go home right now!” Reese spent 10 minutes in the car having a conversation with himself about food. He does that, it’s kind of creepy.

Jackson ate one and a half chicken nuggets. Reese ate seven french fries.

They weren’t starving after all. How about that?

Saturday Photos

It’s been a slow news day around here. Reese and Jackson did some decorating. Apparently they didn’t like how I arranged the Thomas The Tank Engine wall stickers in their room…

 

That looks much better.

There was also a battle of good versus evil…

I won’t tell you who won. All that matters is the opponents ended the battle with otter pops on the porch.

Happy Saturday everyone!

My Poor Little Guys

This afternoon I took the twinkies (and John) to see Cars 2. I might have told them it did not come out until today in an effort to avoid the throngs of germ infested children opening week.

I took a little nappy poo. Totally worth the $7. Totally.

When I woke up I had a moment of realization with Jackson.

Spoiler Alert!! The following content may contain spoilers about the film Cars 2. If you want to maintain the element of surprise you should stop reading now. Also, if you can’t figure out or actually care how Cars 2 ends you might want to rethink your blog subscription.

So, I woke up, wiped the drool from the corners of my mouth and checked to make sure all my boys were still alive. I think I missed about 45 minutes. We were at the final scary moments with Tow Mater hanging in a clock tower, desperate to find a way to save Lightening McQueen. (Or, as he’s known around here Lightening The Queen.)

I looked at Reese and he was nervously shoving handfuls of popcorn into his mouth. I peeked at Jackson and he was panicked.

PANICKED.

He reached out and grabbed my hand.

It occurred to me that he was genuinely worried about Mater and Lightening The Queen. Worried that Mater might actually get crushed in the clock tower and Lightening might explode. Scared. They’re real to him.

He hasn’t seen every animated film made in the last 15 years. Twice.

He doesn’t know that the main characters are always ok. He doesn’t know that even though Cars 2 is only an average movie, there will be a Cars 3. It’s already written and budgeted.

I could see the concern on his little face. Feel him clutching my hand tighter as the pace picked up and the danger got closer. He loves Lightening The Queen. He loves Mater. He honestly did not know if they were going to survive.

He didn’t know and he was scared.

Poor little guy.

It reminded me of John when he was about this age. At dinner one evening we asked he and Taryn what they wanted to be when they grew up. Taryn said she wanted to be either a teacher or a singer. John said he wanted to be a Jedi Knight. Dallas said, “no, really what do you want to be?”

John replied, “I want to be a Jedi Knight.”

“Come on John, you can’t be a Jedi Knight. Star Wars isn’t real.”

John burst into tears. He was inconsolable. He really wanted to be a Jedi Knight, just like Luke Skywalker.

He did not know that Star Wars wasn’t real.

Poor little guy.

Things I Hate

Not things about you, although I’m sure if I really thought about it I’d find some.

Free Time – When you have a thousand children you never really have free time. I skipped church this morning because Dallas was helping out with the children’s program. We all know I didn’t want to get roped into that business. He and the kids left at about 10:15 and did not return until around 2. If I was smart I would have poured some wine and laid on the couch. I’m stupid. Instead, I sat on the couch for less than half an hour to watch the DVR’d season premier of Louie on FX. (If you haven’t watched it, you should.) After that I wiped down all the counters and tabletops. Cleaned the bathroom. Wiped down all the glass surfaces (including the big mirror on the stairs, that should really never get dirty) and swept and mopped the floors. Dealt with the cable guy who came to check the line. Went to the PX and the Commissary. Baked a batch of cookies, from scratch.

Yesterday Dal stayed home with the boys while I took John out for the afternoon. He made lunch for the twinkies before I left and then laid on the couch. When I came home 4 hours later, I found this:

I’m not upset about the mess. He cleaned it up. (God knows I wasn’t going to) I’m upset that he can sit on the couch all day and I can’t. Even when I really want to.

Taking my kids out in public – I took the twinkies to my friend Christin’s daughters’ birthday party today. She’s the cutest little pumpkin ever (the birthday girl, not Christin). The other children acted normal, they played in the water table and had fun. Jackson poured a cup of water on Reese’s head. He refused to eat anything other than cupcakes. Instead of saying thank you he said, “THANKS HOT DOG!” It took me 25 minutes to leave.

Stupid husband tricks – We have 2 cars, 4 bicycles, and live within walking distance of anything you could possibly need. So of course, on my way home from the birthday party my husband texted and asked me to get him cash. I only know of one ATM near our house that is not in a store. It is not drive thru, so I had to park and leave the twinkies in the car to go in and get cash. The doors were locked to the ATM vestibule. I spent the next 15 minutes cursing Dal for not going to get the cash himself. You know, since he didn’t have 2, four-year-olds with him. He does this all the time with mailing stuff or dropping crap off. It makes me completely insane.

Running – I’m still running. I still hate it. The only reason I continue is because I think my body is changing, less cottage cheese. I haven’t lost a pound. That might have something to do with the nachos I just ate. Whatever.

What do you hate today?

Saturday Photos

It was a busy week in our household. On Tuesday we got to see Dallas jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Usually we do not get to hang out on the drop zone, this was a special family jump. It would have been more special if we had gotten to jump too but the Army has some silly rules agains that sort of thing.

Instead we saw this.

Dallas is in there somewhere. See if you can pick him out.

I couldn’t either, but it was still fun to watch.

The aircraft made another pass that was almost too close for comfort, but the twinkies loved it.

It was an excellent day.

Today I got to go on a date with one of my favorite guys, John.

We had lunch at a little sandwich place near a soccer store because he wanted some new shoes. If you don’t know about our soccer experiences, you can read all about them here.

On the way in I saw this bumper sticker.

No, I did not see Sarah Palin, but this may have been her car.

Unfortunately the soccer shop was no longer in business. This was ok with John because he hates shopping. Instead, we Googled the shoes and ordered them over lunch. I love the internet. John loves not having to actually go shopping and, “talk to salesmen and stuff.”

I had a reuben, because I always have the reuben. As a reuben connoisseur I have to say that Marty’s New York Bagel Deli in Anchorage makes one that is in my top 5.

After lunch and “shopping” I took John to see Cars 2. By Cars I mean Hangover. Don’t judge, Dallas had already let him see the first one, so what difference does it make?

 

Johnisms For Today

Before there was a ‘Twinisms,’ there were ‘Johnisms.’ John is hysterical, sometimes he is trying to be funny. Other times, it just happens.

For your enjoyment…

I spent the day at the park on post. There were some troops having a picnic and playing loud music. I told Dallas they played Pour Some Sugar On Me.

John said, “Wait, what…oh I thought someone actually poured sugar on you. That’d be weird.”

Yes, John it would be very, very weird.

Later, I said I needed to dust because the birds were looking grungy.

These birds..

I stole the phrase, ‘judgmental birds’ from my friend Heather. That’s what I said tonight, “I need to dust the judgmental birds.”

John said, “They look kind of cocky to me.”

I love him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bad Mommy

Jackson dropped the F-bomb today. I am 100% certain I did not misunderstand him. I wish I could say that he learned it from his father, but that’s only partially true. I could tell you that I try not to curse much, but that would also be only partially true.

The truth is, I think about cursing less. I censor myself in front of most people. But, I curse. A lot.

Apparently within earshot of the 4-year-olds. Excellent.

I could also tell you that other than the occasional curse word, I was an excellent mom today. But, it would not be true. I should have known it was going to be a bad day when my alarm went off at 5:30 and I turned it off and went back to sleep.

For two more hours.

The plan was to get up at 5:30 so Taryn and I could go on a long bike ride before the twinkies woke up. That way John would only have to make sure the house did not burn down, instead of doing actual childcare.

Instead I got up at 7:30, got dressed, and woke Taryn and John. The twinkies woke up before Taryn and I left, which made me feel guilty for messing up the original plan. So, I poured their cereal, laid out a blanket in the living room, and turned on Cars. I told them they were having a “BREAKFAST INDOOR PICNIC!!” They were very excited. I’m pretty sure John slept on the couch the whole time we were gone.

Whatever.

After the bike ride I took the twinkies to the indoor playground. Because they needed to burn some energy and it was cold and damp stupid Alaska summer day. On the way home Taryn and I planned to stop at the grocery store and Costco.

Reese had other ideas.

Before leaving we made a potty break. He peed all over his pants. I think he did it on purpose. I could have driven home and gotten him a clean pair of pants. I could have skipped the shopping. I did neither of those things. I soaked up as much of the pee as I could with the bathroom paper towels and drove on.

I forgot all about the pee until Reese climbed on Dallas’ lap at dinner. Woops.

At the grocery store Reese stole a piece of candy. You know those big, stupid bins of bulk candy? I hate those. Anyway, he stole a Werther’s. I didn’t realize it until we were half way to Costco. Actually, I did not realize at all, Taryn did. She’s a way better parent than I am.

I should have turned the car around and made him take the wrapper back and apologize, like any good sitcom mom. I did not. I scolded him and drove on. (A Werther’s? Yuck. At least he could have stolen a good candy.)

Then Jackson said the F-word. I scolded him. He looked at me like he wanted to kill me. Seriously, what business do I have yelling at him when I probably said the word 3 times today? (By 3 I mean 30)

Later, when the stupid dog barked to come in, Jackson said, “Oh man, you freaking dog!”

At least he said freaking. He’s learning not to copy verbatim. Maybe I’m not such a bad mommy after all…

Sick Teenagers

My oldest son, John, is sick. Really sick. He sounds like he is hacking up a lung. His coughing wakes me up at night. That’s irritating. I mean really, I need my beauty sleep.

The only upside is that I know he is actually still in his room and hasn’t snuck out in the middle of the night. Not that I would ever expect a teenager to do something like that, I know I never would have when I was his age. (I was a couple of years older when I started sneaking out.)

He is so sick that he went fishing Monday night. The guys here (by guys I mean the guys my husband knows) did something called a suicide run. They left after work and drove a few hours to the Russian River. They fished until they caught their limit and then drove home. Twice as much time in the car as in the river.

I think I can speak for most women when I say that is absolutely crazy behavior.

(But, I don’t mind the stock of red salmon in my freezer.)

He is so sick that he then slept all day Tuesday. When he woke up he ate.

Then he ate some more.

Then he did some texting.

Ate some more.

More texting.

More eating.

Then he went to soccer and played the entire game.

He was so sick that Wednesday he spent several hours playing soccer in the afternoon. Then he went to practice. In the rain. It was 50 degrees and raining.

He said practice was excellent, but his legs were tired.

Today he actually stayed home all day. You know, because his legs were tired, not because he was coughing every 20 seconds and blowing his nose. (Also, conveniently putting the used tissues back in the tissue box. Thanks for that.)

That child is so sick that he ate four helpings of shepard’s pie. And a popsicle. And two glasses of milk. Then he did his chores.

In fact he is so sick that he waited until 8:30 PM to ask, “Can I go play soccer if I’m home by 10?”

Actually, it sounded more like, “COUGH Can I go COUGH go play soccer COUGH COUGH if I’m home COUGH COUGH COUGH by 10?”

Because I’m a good mom I said, “No, you’re sick. You need to rest.”

He looked at me like I was the biggest loser on the planet and said, “OK. FINE!”

Lovely.

Maybe tomorrow the doctor will admit him….

 

The World According To Jackson

Four-year-olds live in another dimension. Most of the time I wish I lived in their world instead of the real one. This is Jackson’s take on life.

On Waking Up

According to Jackson the appropriate way to wake your mother is to enter her room as quietly as possible. It is imperative that you not make enough noise to startle her awake until you are next to the bed. Then, stand with your face 6 inches from hers and say, as loud as humanly possible, “IT’S GOOD MORNING!!!”

On Going To The Bathroom

Stand near the toilet. Not close enough for all of your pee to go in the bowl, that would be crazy. Pee for a few seconds on the shower curtain, the bathroom rug, and the toilet paper. Continue peeing into the bowl while moving around enough that it splatters everywhere. Let the stream fizzle out on your pants and the floor. Do not flush. Do not wash your hands. Change into an outfit that makes you look homeless.

On Playing With The Stupid Dog

Ride her like a horse. Examine her teeth by putting your hands all the way into her mouth while she is sleeping. Feed her treats by pegging them directly at her eyeballs. Pull her tail repeatedly. If she so much as wimpers in pain scream, “SHUT UP SADIE!”

On Playing Video Games

Never share with your brother. Ever. If he tries to play a game, turn off the TV. Restart the game whenever you are losing. If you still lose after restarting the game ten times throw the controller down the stairs. It’s all the controllers fault anyway.

On Eating

Beg for snacks constantly. Get into the refrigerator when no one is looking and take bites out of apples, cheese, butter, and strawberries. Eat yogurt with only your fingers. At meal time, eat nothing. NOT. ONE. BITE. Tell everyone who will listen that your food is “dEsgusting.” Ask for dessert. Ask again. Ask at least 37 times every meal.

On Showering

Showering is a time for screaming and making noise. It is also a great time to pee. On your brother. Move around constantly so that it is nearly impossible to wash your hair or your body. If even one drop of water gets in your eyes scream as if acid has been poured on your face. After the shower refuse to wear anything but the Buzz Lightyear or Spiderman pajamas.

On Going To Sleep

Screw you mom.

On The Road

This is my 101st blog post. I feel like I am at least 101 years old because today Taryn got her learner’s permit. I can still remember giving birth to her. I remember buckling her into her little infant car seat. Just a short while ago we turned it around so she was forward facing. It was only a few months back that we moved her up to the booster seat and she started buckling herself. I swear only last week she was finally tall enough to ride in the front seat with the airbags on.

Now, she’s learning to drive? That’s not possible, even when you live in a place that allows kids to get permits at 14.

I think she’s only 4. If she’s 14 then I’m…well, I’m really old.

She seems to think so.

We talked about drivers’ ed classes over dinner. I told her that I took one in the summer school session after my sophomore year. She asked me if they had paved roads back then.

John asked if it was hard to stop a dinosaur.

Even Dallas asked if they had invented the wheel yet.

Stupid, sarcastic family.

I don’t think I am going to be able to teach Taryn to drive. She’s obviously too obsessed with my age. The other night we watched the original (and the only one that will ever count) Footloose. At the end the song “Almost Paradise” came on. I told Taryn that this was the theme of my junior prom. I figured she would want to know all the details about my dress (hunter green with lace), my date (Hector Melendez), and the decor (a tropical paradise, I helped build a waterfall out of cellophane).

Instead she said, “Was it in a cave?”

So no, this elderly lady will not be teaching her how to drive. Good luck, Dallas.

(I know you are wondering: No, John did not get his permit too. He won’t take the online pre-test because, “it seems kinda boring.” Stupid teenager.)