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I hate the stupid dog. HATE.

She is completely neurotic. She has eating issues. By ‘eating issues’ I mean that she will eat absolutely anything. It’s disgusting. We got her from the pound when she was about 5 months old. That same day we got a cat. The stupid dog used to eat the poop from the cat’s litter box. When she ate the cat poop she would vomit.

Have I mentioned that I don’t do vomit? Nope, don’t do it. Can’t be in the room with it. Not in my job description.

In order to keep the stupid dog from eating cat crap we bought one of those fancy dog-proof litter boxes. Clearly, this is an issue that affects many dogs. You know why? Because they’re stupid.  So, we bought this overpriced litter box and placed it in the laundry room. We were living in Indiana at the time and my sister-in-law was visiting from Texas. Autumn, Dallas, and I were chatting in the family room when we heard a terrible ruckus. We looked down the hallway to see the stupid dog banging her big stupid head against the wall. Why you ask? Because she had her stupid head stuck in the overpriced litter box. Stupid dog.

After that we had to keep the litter box on top of the washer. Convenient. (And by convenient, I mean not at all convenient)

When we moved again we kept it in a linen closet, on a shelf. The door to the linen closet had to stay open and the cat had to climb up to get to it. There is almost nothing I hate more than when closet or cabinet doors are left open.

On our next move the litter box was back in the laundry room on top of the washer. The next house it was in a big pantry/broom closet on a shelf. (We move a lot, blame the Army)

Just so you know, I am super-cheap so all of those years we still had the same overpriced litter box, just with a broken ‘dog-proof’ door.

When we moved to Alaska we finally pawned the cat off on my step-sister. But, we kept the stupid dog.

Once we arrived here we had to kennel her for a month while we found and purchased a house. Once she returned to us she had developed another level of neurosis. Maybe it was because we took the litter box away. Maybe she was just pissed off at us for leaving her there for so long. I have no idea what her problem is, but as soon as we got her home she started eating off of the counters, the table, and out of the trash cans.

This makes me want to punch her in the face. (I don’t do it, I’m not Michael Vick)

Sidebar: I couldn’t remember the name Vick so I Googled “football dog fight” it was the second hit. The first was an article comparing football to dog fighting.

Today I came home from the gym to find this mess in the twins bathroom.

Stupid dog.

Also, stupid kids. Their bathroom has a weird closet in it. In order to open it you have to close the bathroom door, then you have to close it before you leave because it won’t close if the door is open. At least 37 times a week I close that closet door. Because you know, I hate having doors open. I don’t even use that bathroom because it smells like teenage boy and tampons. But I close it, because I too am neurotic.

Today, the dumb teenagers left it open and the stupid dog lost her damn mind. If you look closely you can see that she chewed up a toothbrush, 2 toothbrush travel cases, panty liners, tampons, chap stick, hairbands, and a bracelet.

You know what I did when I found it? CLOSED THE BATHROOM DOOR AND WALKED AWAY.

Just so you know, neither of the teenagers complained or even said one word about the mess the stupid dog made.

It might have pushed me over the edge.

Also, the stupid dog is completely crate trained. She is very good about it. If she sees me get my purse or keys she goes right in without being told. The last person out of the house is supposed to make sure she is securely locked in her crate.

We won’t talk about who was last out of the house this morning.

Like the children, she’s lucky she’s cute. (No mom, I’m not really giving her away)

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About Twinisms

I am the mother of two sets of twins that are ten years apart. Each of them has moments where they say and do hilarious, frustrating, and crazy things.I counter that by also doing borderline crazy things. It's a good time.

8 responses »

  1. stupid dogs, want mine? She free!…LOL!!!

    Reply
  2. Oh my… Are you sure our dogs aren’t related?

    Reply
  3. I know that I say my dogs are stupid every single day. Mine bark at my own kids walking by the house. S.T.U.P.I.D.

    Reply
  4. No kidding. She is definitely cute. I took one look at that face and totally forgave the carnage in the twins’ bathroom–wait–it’s not my house. Sorry! hahahaha

    Reply
  5. I forgave her, but I still hate her!

    Reply
  6. Order in the Quart!

    Happy early birthday to me. You’re blog makes me giggle like I’m 2-years old. Which after having my twins, I think I have about the mental ability, so it all fits.

    Reply
  7. Order in the Quart!

    No, but this is better than when I had my birthday. Which I have’t had one in at least 3 years…

    Reply

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